I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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