please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
