hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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