Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
