Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
