lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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