I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
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