He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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