hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
