My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
