Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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