Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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