im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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