The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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