What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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