Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
