This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
