genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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