She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
