I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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