his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
