i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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