His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
