My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
