thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
