i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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