I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This baby is an asshole
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
