I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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