my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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