Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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