I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
