I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
