Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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