he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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