I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
