Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
