I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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