I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My liver just had a heart attack.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
