Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
