I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
