I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
