found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
