I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
