I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
