Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
