Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
