That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
In other news, I just burned my penis
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
