I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
