Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She said her name was "party"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I think I just sharted jello shots
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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