Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
