If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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