The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
