So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
